How to Lose a Turk in Ten Days
by ariaswan
Summary: Reno devises a devious plot to end Tseng and Elena’s relationship, so he can claim the blonde for himself. Rude attempts to foil his plans, but is the redhead smarter than he looks? Erm, probably not. Tseng/Elena, with one sided Reno/Elena
1. Lust v Common Sense

Chapter One

Rude was mildly alarmed to enter the office and find Reno lying on the floor, weeping, at nine o'clock on a Monday morning. Observing his friend, unnoticed, he speculated on what might be wrong with him. Maybe he was still drunk? That was a definite possibility. Weekends were an excuse for Reno to drink, uninterrupted, for two days straight. It was not unheard of for him to still be a little buzzed on a Wednesday. But then... Hmm, why would he be in the office at nine o'clock on a Monday morning if he had had such a wild weekend. Okay then. Perhaps karma had bitten him on the ass and one of his many conquests had called him to inform him that there would be, ahem, lasting consequences from their tryst. But he quickly discounted that one. Reno would never give a girl his number.

'Hey partner.'

A gurgled moan was his reply.

'You okay?'

'Ngh.'

Rude took a seat at his desk, switching his computer on. 'Good weekend?'

'NO!' Reno shouted, face obscured by his scarlet hair.

'What's wrong, buddy?' Rude asked him, patiently.

A stream of incoherent babble was emitted. Rude listened carefully, picking up rather a lot of it, so well versed was he in the bullshit that Reno sometimes came out with. 'Her! Him! Seventh Heaven! Guh! Thought... Asshole! Grr. Why me? Ugh.'

'You saw Elena and Tseng together, huh?' Rude sighed, feeling sorry for his partner. His love for Elena was doomed, mainly because there was no way any sane woman would finish with the cultured, mature and sober Tseng, for the childish, slightly ignorant and usually drunk Reno?

'Yes.' Reno's voice was small and childish sounding. Rude may actually have felt sorry for him, if he hadn't had to listen to him whining about her for the last year or so.

'Sorry,' said Rude.

Reno sat up. His suit was rumpled, and looked as though it hadn't been washed, let alone encountered an iron. Pretty normal, then.

He sighed, dragging himself to his desk, where he promptly smacked his head against the hard wood.

Rude was not unduly concerned by this. Reno had a thick head. However, after a particularly enthusiastic whack, he felt he should step in, visions of the desk splitting in two dancing into his mind.

'They still seem pretty solid then?'

Reno raised his head. 'Yeah,' he said, glumly. 'Tseng was even smiling a little.'

Rude winced. 'Shit. Sorry.'

'I don't get it!' Reno sat up, very straight. 'Why would she choose him over me?!'

Rude didn't particularly want to answer that one honestly, so he decided to be kind. 'To be fair, she has no idea you're in love with her, so it's not like she chose him _over _you.'

Reno seemed to consider this. 'Hmm. You're right.'

A twinkle had enterd his partner's eye that Rude was not very happy about. He backpedaled, hastily. 'But, uh, she liked Tseng a long time before they actually started dating. So, you know, in a way she did.'

Reno didn't seem to hear this. 'I wonder what choice she would have made if she _knew _I loved her.'

Oh, shit. 'Well, I guess you'll never know. Maybe you should find someone else?' he suggested, trying to steer the conversation from the risky territory it had entered.

His partner's selective hearing seemed to have come into effect. 'You know, Rude. You're a genius. Is that why you don't say much? Scared you'll make the rest of us feel dumb?'

_I wouldn't have to try too hard, _thought Rude. Aloud, he said 'You know, Reno, I can see what you're thinking. And as a genius, I gotta say, it's not gonna work.'

Reno blinked, innocently. 'What's not gonna work?'

'You can't split those two up. Work is bad enough as it is with Tseng in a _good _mood.'

Reno actually seemed to think about this for a moment. Rude could practically see the argument that common sense and lust were having in his brain. Sadly, common sense was doomed from the start, being that he was half the size of lust.

'But.. Elena's gorgeous, man,' said Reno, pouting pathetically.

'If you break them up, Tseng will kill you,' Rude warned him.

It was too late. Reno had his scheming face on. 'Not if he _wanted _ to break up with her!' He sprang to his feet suddenly, rushing to Rude and kissing him. 'That shiny bald head of yours is a gold mine! Thanks!' He disappeared out the door, whistling cheerfully.


	2. Report

Chapter Two

In the canteen, Rude sat across from Reno, eating a BLT while his young partner drew up a very complicated diagram detailing how he was going to break up Tseng and Elena. It occured to Rude that this was probably more paperwork than he'd done in his whole however many years at Shinra.

'Yo, Rude, how do you spell 'frig-''

Rude cut him off. 'Tseng's coming.'

Reno very quickly rolled the sheet up, then scrunched it down and shoved it into his pocket. 'Hey boss,' he said cheerfully, not sounding as though he was talking to the man whose dreams he intended to shatter.

'Hello Reno. Hello Rude. How are you two today?'

Rude grunted at him. Reno beamed at him. 'I am great, Tseng. Peachy. And you?'

Tseng wondered why Reno was acting like a psycho, then reminded himself- this was Reno. He chose to ignore him.

'Have either of you seen Elena?' he asked them.

Reno looked at him, interestedly. 'No. Why? The two of you have a fight?'

Tseng raised an eyebrow. 'No. I just wanted to make sure she got the note detailing what changes to make to her report from the visit to the reactor yesterday.'

'Screwing up her reports a lot, huh?' said Reno, sympathetically.

'Are you sure you want to go down this path, Reno?' said Tseng pointedly.

_Dang. _'Okay. Well. If I see her, I'll tell her you're looking for her.'

'Thank you,' Tseng looked tired, as most people did after speaking with Reno. 'See you both later.'

Rude nodded in acknowledgement, and Reno gave him a sickening smile. Tseng blinked in alarm, but opted to get out of there quickly rather than question this.

When he was out of earshot, Rude sighed. 'Reno, you know as well as I do that Elena has a hair appointment. You've been yammering on about going to the salon after she's finished to collect up her hair for the last week.'

Reno grinned. 'It's not my fault he's a lousy boyfriend who doesn't know what his girlfriend is up to half the time. Anyway, I've gotta be off, buddy. Things to do...'

Rude closed his eyes for a moment, trying to summon some energy. 'This wouldn't involve ruining Elena's report so Tseng will get mad at her, does it?'

Reno's eyes lit up. 'I was gonna put laxatives in Tseng's coffee, but that's a _great _idea!' He practically danced out of the canteen. Rude closed his eyes. _Oh shit_he thought, not for the first time that day.

Reno snuck into Elena's office stealth style, despite the fact that no-one would question him being there, seeing as it was of course his own office too. But that didn't really fit in with the spirit of the operation, which was underhanded sneakiness, so he pressed against the wall, edging his way along it, ignoring the multitude of strange looks he was being given, before darting into the office and slamming the door behind him. Panting, despite the fact he had come from the canteen just two corridors away, he leaned against the door.

'Hey partner,' came Rude's voice, unusually cheerfully, from within the office.

_Dang! _'Rude, how in hell did you get here before me?' exclaimed Reno.

'If you hadn't screwed around in the corridor for so long, you'd have made better time,' Rude pointed out, calmly.

_Damn __Rude and his genius logic, _thought Reno, glaring at his partner. 'Whatever. Where is the report?'

Rude shrugged. 'Beats me.'

Reno, eyes still narrowed, went over to Elena's desk and began to rummage round in it. 'Lipgloss, perfume, tampons, eurghh...' he shuddered, covering the offending items with a... 'Report! Bingo!'

Reno sat at his own desk, smugly brandishing a Bic. Rude watched him, mildly amused, as he began to make his own changes to it. _Jackass. Just 'cause it's a report, doesn't mean it's __**the**__ report._

'Finished!' Reno declared, proudly, holding the report up. 'Ha! Tseng is gonna be so pissed off when he reads this!' He sprinted joyously from the office, presumably to deliver the document to Tseng.

Rude rolled his eyes, pulling the correct report from his own drawer. All Elena had to do was correct the spelling of one of the robots she had encountered at the Mako reactor in Gongaga. Apart from that, the report was perfect.

Tseng was somewhat surprised that evening, as he looked through his subordinate's reports, to find one from three years before, when Reno had been sent in to halt riots in Mideel. As far as he knew, this was one of the reports that Elena was transferring to the electronic system as a favour to him. He opened the folder up, eyes skimming over the content, widening at what they read. What the...

'Upon my return from Mideel, I reported to Tseng's office where we had really hot sex right on his desk. It was amazing! Kinda quick, but oh well. Tseng has such an amazing body, that more than makes up for it. Except for that weird growth thingy, you know where. But whatever. I love Tseng. I think he's just a total babe.'

Tseng's eyes narrowed. 'Reno...' he growled.

The next day at lunch, Reno was sitting at a table of secretaries from the fourtieth floor, clearly attempting to charm them, when Tseng approached the table, a slight smile on his face.

'Hey, boss!' called Reno, cheerfully.

'Reno.' Tseng placed his hand on Reno's shoulder. 'Look. I'm flattered. Really, I am. But I'm just not gay.'

The secretaries all stared at him, then at Reno, shock evident on their faces. Annoyingly for Reno, a couple of them nodded, as though it was confirming some suspicion they had. Tseng smiled again.

'I'm sorry. I did appreciate the little story you wrote, and I admit that the desk would be a fun place to have sex, but... I'm with Elena. I'm sorry. I hope we can still be friends?'

Reno's mouth flapped open, staring at Tseng, who gave him a patronising little smile then walked away, grinning broadly.

One of the secretaries cleared her throat. 'Uh, Reno?' He turned to look at her, still speechless. 'Um.. I have a cousin who's... like you. I think he'd really like to meet you.'

Reno stared after Tseng, as the secretaries started to discuss various distant relations who would just ad_ore _Reno. That bastard had cut off not just Elena, but the whole female population of the freakin' building!

'Re?' one of the girls said, all sing song and cute now he'd been outed. 'I was just wondering, do these shoes go with this skirt?'

'I am going to kill him,' muttered Reno.


	3. Coffee

A/N. Review, pretty please:-D

The following morning, Reno once again arrived at work at virtually the same time as Rude. Eg, on time. Despite the fact he had spent most of the previous afternoon muttering and glaring in the direction of Tseng's office, he was whistling cheerfully, a beatific grin on his face.

_Do I wanna know? _Rude wondered to himself. He noted that Reno was aiming his smiles very pointedly in Rude's direction. He sighed.

'What's up, partner?'

'Oh, nothing,' said Reno, innocently. He giggled. 'Just that all of my dreams will soon be coming true.'

_Oh, boy... _'Why's that?' he asked.

Reno made a great show of staring up and down the corridor, then pulling the door shut theatrically slowly. He withdrew a vial of dirty looking powder from his jacket. 'I paid Hojo a visit,' he said, laughing devilishly, tipping his head back.

Rude waited for a moment, til the cackles had diminished somewhat. 'Hojo's dead, you wacko. Where did you really get that stuff?'

Reno pouted. 'From a D.I.Y store,' he admitted grudgingly.

Rude sighed. 'Reno, what is it?'

The smile returned to Reno's face. 'A corrosive,' he whispered, proudly.

Rude winced. 'Why, man?'

Reno came very close to him. 'I got some sleeping pills. I'm gonna put them in Elena's drink, then when she's out cold, I'm gonna sneak up behind her and rub-'

'Woah woah _woah_! I do not wanna hear the conclusion of that sentence!' said Rude, holding his hands up in alarm.

Reno rolled his eyes. 'The powder, man. I'm gonna rub the powder on her face, so she gets all swollen and freaky. Tseng won't wanna go out with an ugly chick. Then she'll be free to go out with me.'

Rude stared at his partner for a long time. 'So you're telling me you're gonna disfigure the girl you love, so that not only her boyfriend breaks up with her, but she'll be stuck with a painful rash all over her face?'

Reno nodded, proudly. 'Yup.'

'Reno, has it not occurred to you that you probably won't even be attracted to her anymore when she's all... swollen and freaky?'

A worried look passed over Reno's face, but it cleared quickly. 'Nah, it's fine. It'll fade soon enough. It just means that when me and her are the hottest couple in the Shinra building, Tseng'll be extra, _extra _jealous.' He frowned darkly. 'That'll teach him to _out_ me to the whole building.'

Rude sighed. 'Whatever man.'

The door opened, and Elena came in, looking flushed and happy. 'Morning, guys!'

Rude grunted. Reno beamed at her. 'Morning, Lena. You look beautiful this morning.'

Elena looked vaguely alarmed. 'Um, thanks?' She sat down at her desk, humming to herself, seemingly unaware of the adoring glances Reno was casting at her. She giggled suddenly.

'What's funny, Lena?' asked Reno.

She blushed. 'Oh, I was just thinking of something Tseng said to me last night,' she admitted.

Ren smiled through gritted teeth. 'Aw,' he said. The pen he was gripping snapped in half. He cleared his throat, placing the pen on his desk. 'So, Lena, you want some co-'

'Elena, I made you a cup of coffee,' a voice from the doorway interrupted him. Tseng was standing there, smiling at his girlfriend.

'Thank you, Tseng. That's so sweet!' gushed Elena.

Reno rolled his eyes. 'Bet he hasn't drugged it though,' he muttered, darkly.

Rude stared at his partner in disbelief. _Moron_.

Reno stood abruptly, knocking into Tseng who was walking to Elena. The coffe spilt all down his suit.

'Reno!' yelled Tseng.

'Boss, I'm so sorry!' said Reno, trying to sound as apologetic as he possibly could. Tseng looked as though he was going to smash the mug over Reno's head.

'Tseng,' Elena hurriedly took his arm, pulling him slightly away from the redhead. 'Why don't you get changed into the spare uniform in your office.'

'I had to change into that the other day when Reno bought his slingshot into work,' said Tseng, glaring daggers. Rude winced at the memory. Reno grinned, but then quickly wiped the smile from his face.

'Sorry boss,' he said, looking at the ground.

'I am going home to get changed,' hissed Tseng. 'Til I return, Rude is in charge. Reno make Elena another cup of coffee. If there is anything out of place when I return, I will blame you,' he glowered at Reno, who had the grace to look sorry.

When Tseng was gone, Reno cheerfully said 'I'll getcha that coffe then, Lena.'

She sighed. 'Reno, you really are clumsy sometimes.'

'But charming?' he asked, hopefully. She rolled her eyes, and ignored him.

In the little kitchen, Reno ground up one of the little pills, singing to himself. He poured sugar in liberally, then topped it off with a little whipped cream that was left over from the last party Heidegger had thrown. He then practically skipped back to the office.

'Your coffee,' he said, presenting it to her with a flourish.

'Thanks,' she said distractedly. Reno watched her intently, as she took a first sip. 'Ugh! Reno!'

His eyes widened. 'Wh,what?' he asked nervously.

'How much sugar did you put in this?' she said, but she took another sip.

He relaxed. 'Sorry.'

For a while, the three sat in silence, Rude and Elena doing work and Reno playing solitaire. Elena yawned, loudly.

'Oh, sorry,' she said, embarrassed. 'I don't know what's come over me! I'm so tired all of a sudden.'

Reno hid a smile. The plan was in full swing.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye as her eyelids drooped and she looked groggier and groggier. Finally she lay her head on the desk. Within moments, she was snoring softly.

Rude sighed as Reno quietly stood, edging towards the sleping Turk in a ridiculously over the top stealth manner. He pulled the vial from his suit, brushing her hair gently from her face. As he tapped an amount of the powder onto his fingers, Rude thought of something and grinned.

'Reno, buddy,' he hissed. 'You got something on your nose!'

'Mm?' Reno looked up in surprise, the rubbed his nose. He suddenly shrieked. 'RUDE!'

Elena woke with a start. 'Wha's happ'nin'?' she slurred, looking confused. Then she frowned. 'Reno, your face...'

The side of Reno's nose, and his left cheek, were swelling rapidly, going red and puffy. He glared at Rude, or at least attempted to. His eye was nearly swollen shut.

The door opened, and Tseng came in, dressed in a fresh suit. He was about to yell at Reno, when he saw his face. He burst out laughing. 'Reno, what on earth happened to you? You look like a circus sideshow!'

Reno sighed, miserably. 'Nothing,' he muttered.

Tseng was still trying to control his laughter. 'M,maybe you should... go home,' he managed, between giggles.

Reno slumped to the door. As he left, he heard Tseng say 'Elena, you look a little tired. Why don't you come and have a rest on the sofa in my office?'

Elena beamed. 'Oh, Tseng. You're so sweet. Thank you.'

Rude grinned, watching Reno stagger down the corridor, as Elena and Tseng went the other way, arm in arm.

_Maybe I should offer to give Reno a ride home_ he mused to himself, as the redhead crashed into a wall. Then he shrugged, and went back to his work. _Nah. He'll he fine. _He smiled. _Jackass,_ he thought, fondly.


	4. Threesome

A/N- Four updates in two days. I clearly have no life lol. Anyhoo, please review XD

Chapter Four

Whilst Reno recovered at home, Rude, Tseng and Elena had a nice, civilised week at the office. For five blissful working days, they came in in the morning without the fear of buckets being left over doors, or dead rodents being left in drawers. Elena could listen to her music in their office without Reno moaning about listening to 'whiny indie girl crap;' Rude could sit in his lunch break and do a crossword or read a book, without Reno's incessant attention seeking pokes and lettuce catapults; Tseng could use the urinals without Reno standing there making comments, when he wasn't even using the damn things himself. It was very, very nice.

However, as refreshing Rude found it, being able to sit at his desk and not worry that his partner had stumbled in and puked under it after another one of his benders, he had to admit he missed the little guy. Reno may have been a tool of the highest order, but things were always interesting when he was there. He had a feeling Elena and Tseng felt the same, though there was no way in a million years either would have admitted it. But when a pigeon smacked into their office window and stayed smushed against the glass for a moment before sliding pathetically to a very feathery death, Elena smiled, nostalgically.

'Reno would have liked that,' she said, gazing at the streak the poor bird had left on the window.

He came back to work exactly a week after his 'incident,' face virtually restored to its normal dimensions. Rude nodded at him as he entered their office.

'Hey buddy. Glad your face is back to normal.'

Reno closed the door behind, after checking that neither Tseng nor Elena was within earshot. 'That's okay. It healed so quick, that it got me thinking...'

Rude groaned inwardly. The consequences of Reno thinking were never good. 'Yeah?' he replied, unenthusiastically.

'Yeah. I realised that if I'm gonna split them up for good, I have to do more than just make Tseng a _bit_ annoyed at her, or Elena just a _bit_ ugly. I have to break down the very barriers of trust that hold them together!' He was grinning maniacally.

Rude stared at him, trying to work out what to say. 'That's a little creepy, pal,' he said, eventually.

'He outed me!' shouted Reno. He lowered his voice. 'Plus, I love Elena way more than him. It's obvious.'

'Um, Reno... If you truly loved Elena, would you really try and disfigure her?'

Reno blinked at him. 'Why not?' he asked, sounding genuinely surprised. 'The path of true love is never smooth, old friend.'

'Mm, but... well... most people don't express their love by drugging their intended and then rubbing corrosives into their face.'

'That's why there's so many single people in the world,' said Reno, sagely.

Rude sighed. _Moron. _'What's your new plan?' he asked, tiredly.

Reno frowned. 'I haven't come up with one yet,' he admitted. 'But I'm working on it!'

Rude was about to say something, when Elena's voice came from behind them. 'Hey, Reno!'

'Lena!' Reno blushed bright red at seeing his beloved again, after a week of just dreaming about her.

She clucked sympathetically. 'Aw, still got the rash? You can barely notice it,' she said, soothingly.

Reno blushed harder. 'No, it's nearly gone, I just...' he trailed off. 'Dang,' he muttered.

Elena sat down at her desk, smiling. 'Tseng and I went to see 'Loveless' last night,' she told them, referring to the play that was being shown at the Midgar TheatreHouse. 'It was wonderful.' She clutched her heart. 'Gianni Valvados is just amazing.'

Reno looked interested. 'Who's Gianni Valvados?' he asked.

Elena swooned. 'The main actor in it. I saw him for the first time at the Gold Saucer when I was fourteen, and I've loved him ever since.'

'Oh, really?' said Reno, an odd note in his voice. Rude looked over at him. You could practically hear his brain processing this. _Here we go again, _he thought.

'Huh. Must have been kind of a dream seeing him again, right?'

She nodded, fervently. 'Oh, yeah. It was.'

'Interesting,' muttered Reno.

Rude sighed. _Thirty minutes, _he thought. _He's gone five days, and I kinda miss him. He's back thirty minutes, and I just want him to be gone. _He ignored Reno as he winked stagily at him and gave him a hidden thumbs up. _Idiot._

Shortly before they were due to finish that afternoon, Tseng came in their office to pick up a report.

'You lovebirds got plans tonight?' Reno asked him.

Tseng looked at Elena, who shrugged and shook her head. 'I don't think so. Why?'

'Fancy a Boy's Night Out with me and Rude?'

Rude eyed him warily, but Reno was staring right at Tseng.

'Um, okay,' Tseng sounded slightly hesitant, and Rude couldn't blame him. Boy's Nights Out with Reno were notoriously crazy and debauched, mainly because Reno usually drank himself to the point of collapse, then flirted shamelessly with anyone kind enough to try and look after him. Rude had vague memories of the last one, where Reno had proposed to Reeve, then had sobbed when the equally inebriated man had accepted.

'Cool!' said Reno, happily. 'We'll go right after work, okay?'

Tseng forced a smile. 'Can't wait,' he lied. 'But, uh, we have work again tomorrow, Reno. So let's not do anything _too _wild, okay?'

Reno shook his head. 'Course not boss. It'll be good, clean fun. _For me especially,' _he added under his breath. The other three gave him funny looks. His eyes widened. 'Cause I love to spend time with my two best buddies!' he bluffed.

Rude rolled his eyes. As Tseng picked up the report and turned to leave, Rude stood. 'Tseng, is it okay if I get you to check through my account of the mission in Junon?'

Tseng nodded. 'Of course Rude.' He half grinned, half grimaced. 'Then we can go out,' he said, through gritted teeth.

Rude followed him out the office, wondering how to warn Tseng without giving everything away. He didn't want Reno to get into trouble, after all. _Though maybe... Nah_. He shook his head. He could keep an eye for Tseng at the same time as not dropping Reno into it. He knew exactly what to tell Tseng.

That evening, Reno was drunk by six o'clock, which was mildly surprising to Tseng, because they hadn't finished work until quarter to. In fact, they didn't even reach the pub til ten past, because the traffic was quite thick. But if Reno was drinking whilst at work, Tseng didn't want to know. The disciplinary procedure was infinitely more trouble than Reno was worth.

They sat around a table in the bar, a bottle of whiskey and three shot glasses before them. Reno poured them all a drink. Rude noted that Tseng's glass was three times as full as anyone else's and frowned. When Reno wasn't looking, he switched the glasses round. Luckily, Reno was already too drunk to check. Tseng nodded at him gratefully.

As the night progressed, Reno got drunker and drunker, but he neither said nor did anything that Rude could imagine was remotely connected to his ridiculous plan. Instead, he babbled inanely and swayed on his seat, and occasionally broke into song. Rude was getting rather tired, and was almost considering risking leaving the pair together to go home, when Reno said 'Rude, will ya go get me a tissue? I spilt my drink?'

There was a drop of liquid on the table, visible only you leaned within an inch of it, but Rude shrugged and sighed. 'Okay, buddy.'

Whilst his partner was in the toilet, getting tissue, Reno leaned close to Tseng. 'Look man. Can I talk to you about something?'

Tseng shrugged, blearily. 'Sure.'

'Look, I was talking to Elena earlier, and... well. I don't wanna upset you, but she... she told me she's in love with another guy. A childhood fling of hers.'

Tseng was alarmed for a moment, but then he remembered something Rude had said. _So this is what he meant..._ A smile passed over his lips, but he covered it quickly. 'She... said that?'

Reno nodded, gravely. 'I'm sorry Tseng. She sounded pretty hung up on this guy.'

Tseng bit his lip. 'Really...' He frowned. 'It's interesting you should mention this, Reno.'

Reno was momentarily surprised. 'Er, it is?'

Tseng nodded. 'Yes. You see, Elena and I have been talking about our relationship a lot, recently.'

'You have?'

'Yes. You see... we get on so well, but... sometimes I feel as though we're missing a... spark.'

Reno's eyes widened. 'Really?'

'Mm. The other day we were even saying...' he trailed off, shyly.

'What?' Reno urged, a little more sober now.

'Well. We were thinking that maybe we should introduce something... _new_into our relationship.'

Reno looked at him confused. 'Eh?'

'Let me explain a little better. We were thinking of introducing.. some_one _new into our relationship.'

'A threesome?' squeaked Reno.

Tseng nodded. 'It sounds as though this old flame of Elena's might be perfect,' he said. 'Of course,' he added coyly. 'I may have already had my eye on someone...' he gazed at Reno, letting his tongue run over his teeth, sensually.

Reno was just taking this is, when he felt something sliding up his leg. With horror, he realised it was Tseng's hand. This was too much for his booze addled brain.

'Excuse me,' he muttered, clamping a hand over his mouth as the whiskey threatened to make a comeback.

Tseng was nearly rolling on the floor with laughter as he watched the young Turk flee to the bathroom, nearly knocking Rude over as he came out the door. Rude gave his partner a questioning look, then came and sat beside Tseng.

'Another drink?' he asked.

Tseng grinned. 'I'd love one,' he said.


	5. Babies

A/N- another update, yay me! Lol, I am steaming through this one!'s That what insomnia and a packet of juicy fruit wiil do to a girl :-p Thankies for all the lovely reviews XD

Chapter Five

Reno came into work very late the next morning, looking very pale and wan. Rude hid a smile at his sorry state.

'Morning pal.'

Reno just muttered something under his breath and slunk over to his desk. A moment later, Tseng and Elena came into the office together.

'Morning Reno,' said Tseng, winking at the redhead.

Reno went an odd shade of green and excused himself. Tseng blinked innocently.

'Is he okay?'

Elena smiled at Rude. 'Tseng had real fun with you two last night. I may have to join you on one of these Boy's Nights Out sometime.'

Tseng grinned. 'They can be very... enlightening,' he said. 'But I don't think Reno will be up for another one for a while.'

Reno gave it fifteen minutes before he emerged from the bathrooms. He paused outside the office, waiting to see if he could hear Tseng's voice. When he couldn't he cautiously went inside.

Tseng wasn't there. He breathed a sigh of relief.

Elena came and sat on the edge of his desk. 'I made you some tea, because Rude said you don't feel too well today.'

Reno gazed adoringly at her. 'Thanks, Lena,' he said.

Rude rolled his eyes.

For a while the three of them sat and did work. To Rude's amazement, Reno actually seemed to be doing something productive. He was typing away furiously, with none of the tell-tale curses and moans that betrayed him when he was playing on-line poker. Rude began to wonder if Tseng's little offer last night had actually put Reno off!

Ha. No dice. When Elena went on her lunch break, Reno shut the door after her, then did a little dance.

_Oh, crap, _ thought Rude, wondering how many other people in Midgar were suffering the same as he was right now. How many other innocent, hard working folks were subjected to the kind of nonsense, high jinx and downright bizarreness that Reno provided everyday. He also wondered, scarily enough, whether life would be as enjoyable without it.

'What now?' he asked.

If Reno heard the wariness in his friends voice, he didn't show it. Instead, he continued to do a little jig, apparently too excited to actually say anything. Eventually, Rude sighed.

'Reno, what is your problem?'

'I have had the best idea, _ever_!!!!' he burst out, barely able to contain himself.

It occured to Rude that if he didn't ask Reno the plan, he was quite likely to get so impatient that he actually forgot what it was. But... a tiny part of him was actually curious to see the fruits of Reno's labour. He was such a slacker usually, that it was almost unthinkable he should be putting such meticulous thought into this scheme of his.

Hating himself, even as the words left his mouth, Rude asked 'What are you gonna do this time, buddy?'

'Well. I was thinking this morning. What is the one thing in the world that would make most men run for the hills, screaming and crying?'

Rude got the feeling he wasn't actually supposed to try and guess this, but that he was supposed to let Reno have his moment of glory.

'What's that, Reno?'

'BABIES!' crowed Reno. 'If Elena was having a baby, Tseng would be out of here like a _shot_.'

Rude didn't like where tis was headed. 'Reno, how do you plan to get Elena pregnant? If it involves sleeping pills again, you know I'll have to talk to Rufus...'

'No, jackass. I'm not gonna get Elena pregnant. Though...' he gazed into space for a moment. Rude could see little cartoon hearts pumping in his eyes. 'No, no,' he shook himself out of his reverie. 'That comes later. No, for now I just have to make Tseng _think _she's pregnant. Or maybe not even that. Maybe just the thought that there was even the slightest possibility that she might-'

'Reno, calm down,' Rude watched him, slightly disturbed. His partner wasn't blinking, nor was he taking a sufficient number of breaths.

'Right. Right, okay,' Reno nodded, and stopped hyperventilating. He then promptly passed out.

Rude rolled his eyes, then picked up his newspaper and went to lunch, not overly concerned about Reno. The rest would do him good.

Later that afternoon, Reno appeared in the office, carrying a brown paper bag that he shoved into his desk very quickly. He was grinning even wider than usual, having just discovered that Elena would be leaving early to go to dinner with her parents. Tseng though, would be staying in the office.

_Perfect, _he thought to himself.

When Elena had gone, he hissed at his partner 'Rude! Will you come to the bathroom with me?'

Rude winced. 'Um, why?'

'To help me take this test!'

Rude stared at him. 'You're actually gonna take the test?'

'Yeah,' he sniggered.

Not for the first time, Rude wondered how his friend had become one of the elite of Shinra, when his idea of humor was taking a pregnancy test. _Although..._ Something occured to Rude. He shrugged. 'Fine,' he said.

As Reno peed onto the stick, he explained the plan to Rude. 'We'll put it in the bin in our office, and you'll casually notice it when he's in there later. It'll be a crashing wake up call for him, and he'll end things with her _instantly_.' He grinned, smugly. 'Leaving the path open for _moi_.'

He shook off the stick, then put it into the box for a moment. 'Hold this,' he said, as he buckled up his pants. His stomach growled, and Rude saw an opportunity.

'Why don't you grab some lunch? I'll put this in the bin for you.'

Reno beamed. 'You're a pal Rude,' he said, patting his friend on the arm.

Rude sighed. 'Wash your hands, Reno.'

The redhead did so, giggling. 'I'll get Tseng on my way back.'

Rude nodded, then waited til his friend was out of sight. He had a quick stop to make before he returned to the office.

He was sitting at his desk, reading the paper, when Reno returned, followed shortly by Tseng. Reno winked at Rude, who nodded to him. Reno grinned.

Tseng leaned over Reno's computer reading the drafted report he'd written, and pointing out the mistakes. The many, many mistakes. Reno shot Rude a look.

Rude stood and stretched a bit, then he picked up an apple core from his desk, carrying it over to the bin. Feeling like a bit of an idiot, he said 'What's this in the trash?'

Reno and Tseng both looked up. 'Mm?' said Tseng.

Rude picked the box out. 'Pregnancy test,' he remarked.

Reno gasped. 'It must be Elena's!' He looked at Tseng, then whistled. 'Yikes...'

Tseng frowned, as Rude opened the box.

'The test is in here,' he said. Using a tissue, he pulled it out, then held it to the box. 'Wow. It's positive.'

Reno paled slightly. 'Wh,what?!' He stared hard at Rude. ' Are you sure?'

Rude held it out to him, indicating the instructions on the box. 'Two blue lines,' he said. 'Pregnant.'

There was a thud as Reno passed out.

Tseng stared at the fallen Turk. 'Am I to assume...?'

Rude nodded. 'Yup.'

Tseng swallowed, queasily. 'He's not... actually...' He gulped. 'Is he?'

Rude laughed. 'Nah. I painted the lines on.'

'Phew. That would have been a little odd,' said Tseng. He tilted his head, thoughtfully. 'Can you imagine if there was another one of him?'

They both shuddered at the thought.

'Tseng, can I ask you something? When Reno said the test was Elena's you didn't even look shocked...'

Tseng laughed. 'Elena and I spend a lot of time together, Rude. Without wanting to be too indelicate, I am aware of when she... ahem. Menstruates.'

Both men shuddered again.

Rude nudged Reno gently with his foot. 'Out cold,' he remarked.

Teng looked at the clock. 'It's nearly six. Wanna go for a beer?'

Rude nodded. 'That'd be nice.'

Please review! XD


	6. Wedding

Chapter Six

On Friday, Tseng an Elena went on a mission to Junon, leaving Reno and Rude alone in the office. Reno had actually been pretty quiet since his little pregnancy scare, and Rude was beginning to wonder whether he'd given up. In fact, he was actually a bit worried about his partner. When Elena and Tseng were gone, he cleared his throat.

'You okay, partner?' he said, looking over at Reno, who was at his computer, apparently actually working, a look of concentration on his face. When he looked up though, a slightly manic grin appeared. Rude sighed. Why did he bother?

'I'm absolutely fine!' said Reno. 'In fact, I'm better than fine!'

Rude deliberately said nothing, not wanting to get into this again. But Reno, being Reno, seemed oblivious to this.

'I have a new plan,' he announced, excitedly. 'That may very well be _the _plan!'

_Don't make eye contact_ Rude told himself. _Don't make eye contact..._

'Rude, yo!'

Rude looked up, then cursed himself. Sighing, he asked 'What?'

'Come see this!' Reno was actually shaking with excitement.

Heavy limbed, Rude walked to his partner's desk, looking at the computer screen. He stared at it for a long time.

'What the hell, man,' he said, finally.

Reno squealed 'Check it out!'

On the screen was a photo of Tseng and Elena. Or their faces at least. Reno had somehow attached the visages to a photograph of a bride and groom standing in the archway of a church, surrounded by spring flowers.

'Isn't it _great_?' he enthused, clapping his hands like a seal on speed.

Rude was lost for words. 'It's.. Tseng. And Elena.'

'Yeah!' Reno did what Rude assumed was a little jig, though as he was still sitting down it just looked like he was having a seizure.

'But...' Did he dare ask... 'Why?'

'DUH!' Reno gaped at his partner. 'Ya know, I think your genius may be waning, buddy.'

Rude wasn't sure whether to be more impressed by the fact that Reno knew a word like 'waning,' or by the fact that he seemed genuinely to think he was a genius. He sighed.

'What are you doing, Reno.'

'Since you ask...' Reno opened his drawer and pulled a file out. It was marked 'Rude's Animal Porn.'

'Woah! What the hell...?!'

Reno snickered. 'It's just in case Tseng or Elena was snooping in my desk. They would _never _open this.'

Rude glared at him. 'I am gonna kick yo...' he trailed off as Reno opened the folder. Inside it was a sheath of papers. From what he could see, they were all various different wedding shots, all with Tseng and Elena as the happy couple.

'This is the plan to end all plans,' Reno told him excitedly. 'What I'm gonna do, is plant a bunch of these around the place, you know, in Elena's drawer and her handbag and places like that. Tseng once told me that he never _ever _wants to get married, cause at the ceremonies in Wutai,' he made an odd strangled sound. Rude was mildly alarmed. Was his friend having a heart attack?

'You okay?'

Reno nodded, unable to talk because he was snorting too much. Rude saw that he was trying to keep from laughing, and sighed. 'What, Reno?'

'In Wutai, they... they...' He screeched with laughter. 'They shave every hair off the guy's body!' He collapsed onto the desk, in fits of laughter.

Rude rolled his eyes.

'So when he sees all of _this _crap,' he gestured wildly at the photographs, 'He'll freak out and dump her for _sure_!!!'

Rude opened his mouth to say something, then decided against it. Defeated, he trudged back to his desk. 'It's a good plan, man,' he said.

Reno's eyes widened. 'Really? You think so?' He did a little victory dance. 'This is the one, man! I feel it in my waters!'

Rude winced. He didn't want to _think _about his young partner's waters. He had yet to get the image of him taking the pregnancy test out of his head.

From his desk, he watched as Reno planted the papers anywhere Elena would conceivably go, which was basically her desk. Reno paused. 'Maybe I should put some in the ladies toilets,' he said, thoughtfully.

Rude rolled his eyes. 'Why would Tseng be in there, buddy?'

'Oh, you know,' said Reno, vaguely, his mind clearly already in that land of mystery, where girls seemed to convene. Girls who all thought Reno was gay, thought Rude with a smirk. Though he supposed it was comforting that Reno was at least still _thinking _of girls that weren't Elena, so he wasn't beyond salvation. Though... Rude frowned, concerned all of a sudden. Reno had been right about one thing. Tseng was not the marrying type whatsoever. As he watched Reno, who was still gazing into space, he began to worry.

Later that afternoon, the pair returned from Junon, to find the office surprisingly quiet and well ordered. Tseng would never forget the time he came back from Mideel and found the entire Shinra Building in one of those fumigation tent thingys, with Reno standing outside, skin slightly purple.

'I swear, boss, it was an accident,' he squeaked. Twelve large fire-fighters ran from the tent, screaming like little girls. Tseng just sighed, and held up a hand.

'Five weeks Reno.'

'Five weeks paid leave?' asked the redhead hopefully. Though he had a feeling it would actually be five weeks of desk duty, or being Tseng's slave, or licking the president's boots clean, or something. He shuddered.

Tseng punched him in the face, knocking him clean out. Rude and Elena finally dared come over. Rude sighed and shook his head.

'Should I ask?' said Tseng.

Elena shook her head. 'I wouldn't.'

They stood for a bit, staring at the prone body of the Turk. Tseng kicked him, quite roughly. He barely responded. Tseng shrugged.

'Drink?' asked Elena brightly. Behind them, there was a scream of

'Oh, god, what the hell, who would...'

Tseng took a deep breath, then smiled. 'That would be nice.' As they headed to their favourite bar, he made sure to kick Reno in the gut, eliciting a groan.

Today however, all was... peaceful. Rude was doing a crossword and Reno was... doing work? Tseng cleared his throat. Reno looked up, smiling beatifically.

'Yo, boss. How was Junon.'

'Fine.' Tseng looked around the room. 'Is... everything okay here?'

Reno blinked. 'Of course boss. Why wouldn't it be?'

Tseng shook his head, then shrugged. 'Fine, I guess.'

Elena came in. 'Tseng, I'll just get those notes for you,' she said, smiling cheerfully, heading for her desk. Reno sat up a little straighter as she opened her drawer. She pulled out a folder, and tossed it across to Tseng, giggling. With almost perfect timing, a paper drifted from the folder, coming to land by Tseng's feet. Reno's eyes widened with joy as their boss picked it up, horror showing on his face.

'E,Elena?' he choked out, holding up the paper.

Elena blanched at the image of herself and Tseng, so crudely stuck together. Though, she had to admit, she looked _fine _in white silk... Ugh. She shook her head. 'Tseng, I didn't, that's not...' she trailed off, hand on her heart.

Tseng was staring at the paper, expression unreadable. Reno was staring at Elena, gleefully. Elena was staring at Tseng, beseechingly. Rude was staring at the crossword, hoping the drama would end soon so he could get some help with twelve down.

'Elena,' said Tseng, quietly.

Head bowed, she said 'Yes, Tseng?' in a miserable voice.

Tseng sighed, biting his lip, a sad expression on his face. 'I'm sorry,' he said, placing the picture on a desk, and backing towards the door. 'I'm so sorry,' and then he turned and was gone, leaving Elena standing behind her desk, heartbroken tears pouring down her cheeks.

A/N- oooh, cliffhanger, lol. Next chapter... is it all over for Elena and Tseng? Has Reno finally achieved his goal? And will Rude _ever _finish his crossword?! All will be revealed, lol. Reviews? Pleasey? XD


	7. Bald

Chapter Seven

Elena stared at the door where Tseng had just been.

'I don't...' she shook her head. 'I don't understand.'

Her voice was tiny and hurt sounding. Reno shifted uncomfortably. His plan had worked, so why didn't he feel good? Why did he feel... guilty?

'Lena,' he went and stood beside her, gently putting his hand on her shoulder. She burst into noisy sobs, throwing her arms around him.

'I' sniff 'love' snort 'him, Reno.'

Wrinkling his nose slightly as he felt Elena use his shirt as a tissue, Reno nodded. 'I know,' he said, quietly. 'I'll go talk to him, okay?'

'Uh, maybe I should go,' Rude broke in, looking alarmed, but Reno shook his head.

'I'll go,' he said decisively.

'Thank you, Reno, ' said Elena, smiling tearily at him. 'You're a great friend, you know that?'

Reno rolled his eyes. 'Nyeh,' he muttered, heading towards the door.

He went to Tseng's office and knocked softly on the door.

'Come in.' Tseng's voice was emotionless.

Reno went in, timidly. 'Hey, boss,' he said, trying to sound cheerful. He frowned, surprised. 'Whatcha doing?'

Tseng was sitting on his desk, staring out the window. 'I'm just thinking,' he said, not looking at Reno.

Reno cleared his throat. 'Um, Lena seems pretty upset, Tseng.'

The Wutain man nodded. 'Yeah, I know.'

Reno stood, awkwardly. 'Are you, uh, okay?'

Tseng turned to look at him. To the redhead's surprise, there was a smile on his face. 'I'm fine,' he said.

Reno calculated how long it was since Tseng had walked from the office, wondering if he'd had time to get drunk in the small interlude. But it had been all of two minutes. Even Reno wasn't that skilled.

'Erm, Tseng? You do know you just broke your girlfriend's heart, right?'

Tseng laughed. 'It's okay,' he said.

For the first time, Reno wondered if maybe he actually _was _better for Elena than Tseng.

'Tseng, man, that's pretty harsh.'

Tseng opened his drawer. From it, he withdrew a small, velvet colored box. Reno swallowed hard.

'Since I've been with Elena... I've never been quite sure that we're... on the same path, you know? I wasn't sure that I was the one for Elena.' He laughed. 'I mean, when we got together, I think she had a crush on you, Reno!'

_You gotta be kidding me._ 'Really,' said Reno, his voice flat.

Tseng laughed. 'I know. You'd make an awful couple, right?' He grew serious again. 'But today, I realised something, when I saw those pictures. I love Elena, and I want to be with her. And... I think she wants to be with me.' He shuddered. 'I'd even go through the Wutain wedding ceremony for her.'

Reno stared at him. 'You'd risk looking like Rude... for her?'

Tseng smiled and nodded. 'I love her,' he said, simply.

Reno shook his head. Wow.

'Could you send her in?' said Tseng. 'I have something I need to ask her.' He was grinning broadly.

Wordlessly, Reno returned to the office, where a very runny Elena was draped over a very uncomfortable looking Rude's shoulder.

'Lena... Tseng's in his office,' he told her, softly.

She shivered, then nodded. 'O-okay,' she said, using Rude's sleeve to wipe her nose. Looking like a kicked dog, she slunk out the door.

Reno sat down, hard, on his chair. 'Rude... I've had an epiphany.'

Rude wasn't entirely sure Reno knew what the word meant, so was kind of nervous to ask. 'You have?'

Reno nodded. 'I... I don't love Elena.'

Rude's eyes widened. That was not what he was expecting to hear. 'You don't?'

'No! I mean, I'd still do her, 'cause she's hot and blonde, and it would piss Tseng off, but...' he shook his head, looking dazed. 'I'm not in love with her.'

Rude could have told him that a long time ago, but he figured this was a breakthrough for his friend, so he should be nice to him. 'Wow, are you okay?'

Reno nodded. 'Yeah, I think I am!' He sounded surprised. 'I feel... good! I mean, I've been after Elena for so long, I've been neglecting the women of Midgar! There's a whole city of girls out there!'

_Lucky girls,_ thought Rude. Aloud, he said 'Exactly.'

Reno jumped up, and was doing a little 'back in the game' dance, when the door opened, and Elena and Tseng entered. Both were beaming broadly. Elena held up her hand, then shrieked something unintelligible.

Reno was well versed in shrieking woman speak, being the only boy in his family. 'You're engaged! That's amazing!'

Elena burst into tears as Reno hugged her. Rude grunted at Tseng, who nodded back, clearing his throat, and trying to appear manly. After a moment though, they hugged, setting Elena off again.

'This calls for celebration,' said Tseng. 'Let's take the rest of the day off, and head to the bar!'

'Alright!' cheered Reno.

'Reno, why don't you go and get the car, and Elena, you go and.. ahem, wash your face,' suggested Tseng. Both nodded, Elena giving him a wet kiss before she went. Rude moved towards the door too, but Tseng stopped him.

'Erm, Rude?'

The tall man looked at his boss. 'Mm?'

'I, um. Ahem. You know about the Wutain wedding ceremony? How they, erm, remove your hair?'

Rude nodded.

'I, erm, was just wondering.' Tseng pulled the door shut, then leaned in closer to the bald man. 'What do you use to get your head so shiny?'

A/N- the next chapter is the last! Will Tseng and Elena tie the knot? Is Reno really over Elena? What _does _Rude use to keep his head shiny? All will be revealed... Please review XD


	8. Love

A/N- hints of naughtiness, but nothing explicit ;-p

Chapter Eight

The night before the wedding, Elena came to Reno's house. It was nearly three o'clock in the morning, but Reno was still up, watching TV and feeling glum. For the first couple of weeks after Elena and Tseng had gotten engaged, he'd really thought that he was over her. It was beautiful, while it lasted. He went out every day for a week, meeting a new woman every night, rolling into work when he wanted because Tseng was feeling super mellow, and anyway, he was letting Elena go to dress fittings and the like. Why shouldn't Reno, the man who had gotten them engaged in the first place, bend the rules a bit too?

And then one morning he'd woken up to a flash of blonde hair, and he'd smiled.

'Elena,' he said, happily, reaching out for the warm figure behind him.

'Elena?!'

_Oh, crap._

The woman, who Reno could now see was really, definitely _not _Elena, sat up, glaring mightily at him.

'Who the heck is Elena?' she demanded, flexing hands that possessed extraordinarily long nails.

Reno's eyes widened. _Shit! _'Um, que?' he tried, going for the 'Me no speakee Englee' card. The woman clearly wasn't buying it, not if the fist that connected with his head was anything to go by.

When he regained consciousness, he saw that the woman was gone, along with his wallet. He rolled his eyes and sat up, a woozy, sick feeling washing over him. He staggered into the bathroom, and nearly cried when he saw that she'd also stolen his favorite shampoo, the one that contained a tiny bit of chocobo urine, but left his hair _super silky soft! _

When he'd showered, he slumped on his couch with a bottle of whiskey feeling depressed. It was funny, he'd never truly believed he was in _love _Elena. He knew that she was beautiful, and sweet, and kind and that she had a really nice ass. He also knew that she was forbidden fruit, which was probably why he'd tried to seduce her with such enthusiasm and creativity, but had he ever actually believed they would get together? Honestly, he hadn't really. And deep down he'd known that he didn't really mind. So why did he now feel like jumping out of a window? Was he really, truly (gulp) in _love?_

xoxoxoxoxox

Reno took great pains to ignore both Tseng and Elena in the last week before the wedding, which was pretty hard to do, considering they all worked together. Rude took pity on him though, and managed to convince Rufus to ask for Reno's help as a bodyguard whilst he went on a diplomatic trip to Wutai, so Reno got a blissful three days away from the hell that was the Shinra building. Of course, being in Wutai with Rufus was not much better- the young president was so excited to be in the care of someone _other _than Tseng that he decided to hit the mini bar. Of course, it was the first time Rufus had ever drunk anything, and so he got very plastered very quickly. Reno had popped to the toilet for less than a minute, and come back to find that Rufus had disappeared. He found him, three hours later, lying on the ground in front of a pagoda, being yelled at in Wutain by a very short, rather elderly prostitute. Reno decided not to ask why Rufus was wearing a dress, and instead just paid the woman the five hundred gil she claimed to be owed then carried Rufus back to the hotel. The president wasn't exactly sure why he woke up in the bath the next morning, but he decided he didn't want to know. He nodded at Reno, trying to look dignified.

'Thank you for your discretion, Reno,' he said, not quite meeting the redhead's eyes.

Reno smiled. 'Of course, sir.'

On the other side of the world, Rude's PHS buzzed. _New Text Received- Reno. _Rude opened the message, a smile spreading its way across his face. _Oh, Rufus._ _Though... Huh. Whoulda thought the President would look so good in a kimono?_

xoxoxoxoxox

Reno was glad to get back to Midgar. After making sure Rufus got back okay, he went straight to his apartment, wanting just to veg out, then go to bed. A quick look at his calendar sent him spiralling back down. Tomorrow was marked out in huge letters- **Worst Day Of My Life.**

Ugh, the wedding... Rufus' exploits had done well to keep his mind off things, but tomorrow at twelve...

Reno switched his TV onto Hallmark. 'Gongaga Girls,' was on. He sat back to watch the ridiculously sappy show about the renegade daughter of the Shinra family who's forced to move back to Midgar so her daughter can go to a good school. He knew that his life had reached a new low when Lulu Shinra telling her daughter Tory that she would always be her best friend made him tear up. In disgust, he was switching the TV off when there was a soft knock at the door.

He looked at the clock. Three am... He grabbed his mag-rod, then went to the door. Charging the weapon, he yanked the door open.

'Owwww!' screamed Elena, as she was hit with a couple thousand volts.

'Lena! Shit! Sorry!' Frantically he turned the weapon off. 'Are you okay?'

She nodded, a bit shakily, trying to smooth down her hair, which was standing totally on end. 'Y,yeah.'

Reno suddenly realised that it was three am in the morning, on the night before Elena's wedding, and yet she was on his doorstep, dressed as an angel, and only wearing one shoe.

'Lena, what are you doing here?'

'Can I come in?'

He nodded. 'Of course.'

When they were sitting on his couch, he asked 'Elena? Are you okay?'

She nodded. 'Yeah,' she said softly, before promptly bursting into tears.

'Aw, Lena...' Awkwardly, Reno hugged her. 'What's the matter?'

'Reno... Rude told me,' she sobbed.

Reno stiffened. 'T,told you what?'

'About... about...' she began to cry harder.

'Elena...' Reno shifted nervously. _Aw, crap... _'Lena, I...'

'I don't want him to be bald!' she wailed.

Reno sagged in relief. 'Oh, right...'

Elena pulled away from him a bit. 'I don't want a bald husband,' she mewled, pathetically.

Reno smiled a bit. 'Yeah, but, it shows he loves you, right? That he would do that for you.'

She nodded, wiping her eyes. 'I know, but... I love his hair.' She began to cry again.

Hesitantly, Reno asked 'Lena? Are you sure this is about his hair?'

'Oh...' She sniffed, smiling weakly. 'No. I guess it's not.'

He waited patiently for her. She sighed. 'I'm... a bit scared,' she admitted. 'I mean... marriage... It's a big step.'

Reno sighed. 'Elena,' he said. 'I've never seen two people more in love than you and Tseng.'

She gazed up at him. 'Really?'

He nodded, miserably. 'Really. I think...' he swallowed hard. 'I think you're perfect for each other.'

Elena wrapped her arms around him. 'Thank you, Reno,' she said softly. She pulled away, kissed him on the cheek. 'You know,' she said, looking surprised. 'I think you're my best friend, Reno. Isn't that odd? I mean, we seem to argue the whole time, but I don't think there's anyone I trust more than you.'

They smiled at each other. Elena yawned, then giggled. 'Sorry.'

He grinned. 'No problem. Hey, you wanna stay here? There's clean sheets on my bed.'

She rolled her eyes. 'Reno...'

He stuck his tongue out at her. 'I've got a futon.'

'Oh. Okay.' She smiled at him. 'Thank you.'

He gave her a hug, then she went to his room. He pulled out the futon, and was about to strip and go to sleep when he realised he should probably wear something in bed if Elena was just next door.

He knocked softly. 'Lena?' There was no reply, so he went in.

Elena was asleep already, her angel wings discarded, her mouth slightly open. He grinned at her, thinking how sweet she looked when she was asleep. Innocent, and rather vulnerable.

Reno suddenly realised something. He _did _love Elena, and he probably always would. But he loved her like a sister- a really hot, eminently do-able sister, sure, but family all the same. He wanted her to be happy and if the only way she could be happy was to be with Tseng... well. Then Reno would just have to deal with that.

_And if they ever get divorced... _He grinned wickedly at her, then went back out to the couch, forgetting entirely that he had gone to get some clothes to sleep in. In fact, when Elena came out of his room the following morning, she took a minute to gawp at him, slumped on the couch, totally nude. She whistled to herself.

_Man, if it doesn't work out with Tseng... _

xoxoxoxoxox

At the reception, whilst Elena was in the toilets sorting her make-up, Reno, Rude, Rufus and Tseng gathered in the corridor of the hotel, gazing at Tseng's head.

'It doesn't look _too _bad,' tried Rude.

Tseng raised a hand to his face, touching his now bare brow bone. 'Uh huh,' he said, sounding in shock.

Hiding a smirk, Reno offered 'It'll grow back. Hey, maybe it'll grow back, like, curly or something!'

Three sets of eyes glared dangerously at him. Reno shrugged, grinning devilishly, then headed back into the hall to take advantage of the free bar, Rufus at his heels.

Tseng was about to follow, when Rude said 'Hey, I've got you a present.'

Tseng looked surprised as Rude handed him a rectangular parcel. 'Thank you, Rude.' He unwrapped it, then opened the small box. When he saw what was inside, his eyes widened. 'Erm, I, god, I...' He sounded like he was about to choke.

Rude smiled innocently, as Tseng stared at the lube as though it was a bomb. He was still stuttering and sputtering. Rude thought he heard something about 'Never knew you had these feelings,' and 'I'm married now.' He grinned.

'Tseng. It's for your head.'

The Wutain relaxed visibly. 'Oh, thank _god._' And then he passed out cold.

Rude stared at him for a moment, still smiling a bit. He nudged their boss with his foot. Tseng made a little noise. Rude contemplated trying to wake him, but then two women came out of the hall, looking scandalised.

'...Just inappropriate,' one of them was saying. The other nodded.

'I know. For a start, it's a _wedding_. And, well. The leader of the free world, starting a conga...'

_This I have to see, _thought Rude, a smile spreading across his face. Tseng forgotten, he headed back into the hall.

xoxoxoxoxox

Grinning, Elena found Reno in the middle of the dance floor, one of the many people following Rufus in a rousing chorus of the Macarena. She beckoned for him to come with her, pulling him into a little pantry.

'Reno, I just wanted to thank you for last night,' she told him.

'Hey, it's no problem. And hey, Tseng looks pretty dashing, right?'

Elena grinned, then frowned. 'Where is Tseng, I wonder...' She shrugged, face clearing. 'Anyway, I was talking to my sister earlier and... well. She's _very _keen to meet you.' She winked at him.

Reno blushed. 'Really...' He suddenly winced. Elena's sister... must have been her made of honor, right? And the chick he'd seen earlier was... well. Hideous. 'I, um, well,' he started to say.

Elena leaned out the door. 'Hey, Ros. In here.'

_Oh man... _

The door opened fully revealing... a total, absolute _babe!!!! _Reno stared at the vision before him, in shock. 'You're... Elena's sister?'

The six foot blonde with legs like stilts and, ahem, impressive assets nodded. 'Mm hm. And you're Reno...'

He was about to say something when she grabbed him and kissed him, pressing him to the wall, one hand already on his zipper. As they broke for air, Reno tipped his face to the sky, well dingy ceiling, a goofy grin on his face.

'_Thank yo__u god!'_

xoxoxoxoxox

Later, everyone gathered round as the happy couple cut the cake. The photographers, Rufus' gift, were circling the crowd, making sure to capture every expression, every smile and every tear as husband and wife started their life together. Elena and Tseng linked hands on the knife, kissing briefly before they sliced through, wishing for a future of health and happiness, not just for them, but for the friends and family that were with them on this wonderful day.

X

_Snapshot one- Reno and Ros standing near Tseng as the cake is cut. Ros has a very obvious hickey on her neck. Just visible is a red lacy thong poking out Reno's back pocket._

X

_Snapshot two- Elena and Tse__n__g, moments after Elena found the lube in his jacket. __There is an expression of alarm on Tseng's face, but Elena appears to be winking..._

X

_Snapshot three- The four Turks and Rufus, in the flower garden behind Midgar Hall. Reno has his arm around Elena, and is sticking his tongue out; Elena has her head on Reno's shoulder, and is laughing at something Tseng just said; Tseng is holding Elena's hand, and scratching his__ slightly sunburnt__ head; Rude is expressionless as ever, though he looks somewhat tense; beside him is Rufus, eyes closed, apparently mid sentence, clearly hammered. Out of shot: Rufus' hand resting on Rude's ass._

X

A/N- so there it is! The ending! A wee bit fluffy, but hey! Lol, I have written an alternate ending to this, that I'll post later today. Hehe, it's just a little thing for the renoXelena obsessed out there. Which is probably just, well, me. oh well, lol. Anyway, please review! Much love and hugs if you do XD (btw, 'Gongaga Girls' is a nod to the _oh _so cheesy Gilmore Girls- my sister is obsessed with it, meaning I have somehow seen every single episode, even though it makes me want to jump off the top floor of a sky scraper. Grr lol)


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